POOR ROBIN'S CHARACTER OF FRANCE OR FRANCE Painted to the Life IN A BRIEF DIALOGUE OF THE Description of that Nation their Manners Customs Compliments Language Discourse etc. AS ALSO An exact Character of the City of Paris of their Gentry Peasants Women etc. By POOR ROBIN Knight of the Burnt-Island a Well willer to the French Tailors London Printed in the Year 1666. To the Judicious READERS Gentlemen I Here present you with a Dish of Dainties I assure you you no Kickshaws though dressed after the French mode To describe that people aright a man must have in him extraordinary of the Mimmick and therefore I would desire the Reader in the perusal of these Lines to add to them something of action for it is impossible to personate a Frenchman aright unless he with it play the Antic My request therefore is to all those who shall read this ●ook in Taverns Alehouses or Coffeehouses to have a special care therein that I may not be murdered in my own Lines but to add to it a graceful shaking of the head drawing back the legs and thrusting out the shoulders and then it will be ala mode France If all the humours I have writ of them do not suit patt to the Nation the same time you read this you must impute it to the fickleness of those people whose inconstancy is such that let me now write never so real a truth of their Garb or Clothes though the Author and Printer make all the haste imaginable they will be in another fashion before the Book can be published that a Tailor may as well take measure of a Garment for the Moon as an Author to describe the Habits and Fashions of that People So now Reader having told you at the door how you are to behave yourself if you please walk in and see the Show POOR ROBIN'S CHARACTER OF FRANCE Englishman GOod morrow Monsieur Frenchman Tres humble Serviteur Monsieur Englishman What makes you stirring so early this morning Frenchman No thing but me owe de little money to the Hoastess and the pockyhora vill no stay but send vor de Shargeant that scare me worss den de Tiffell begar me sooner see the Tiffel den de Shargeant me be de sush Bird vas vill no sing in the Cage fish vay sall me take to be safe me must come no near the Hoastess me go in de France den foutra vor de Shargeant Englishman And what Calling do you intent when you come into France Frenchman Ah me have de brava Calling in de Varle me play ode Fiddle me teash a to Dance O so rare so rare begar London vill the undone when me be in de France Begar you no ave de autre man in all the Shitty so brave fellow as myself yet begar me no shuse but run the pocky Shargeant do scare a me so Englishman Indeed a Fiddler in France is a man of a very high repute for I remember about five years ago being in your Country at a town not far distant from Orleans whilst I and the rest of my company amongst which was a Filly de Joy of Paris were at Dinner there entered into our Room three of these uncouth fellows with Flats on their heads like covered Dishes and in such a garb as our Countrymen use to cloth Poles wherewith to affrighten Crows from eating their Corn being for the most part pinned together and the rest fastened with here and there a stitch so that they were a la mode de Tatterdemalion At the first sight of them I cast one eye on my Cloak and the other on my Sword as not knowing what occasion I might have of the one to descend the other for by their insolent intention and saucy boldness I could not imagine them to be other than Thiefs but when I took a more strict survey of their Apparel I soon altered that opinion and rather guessed them to be the Excrement of a Prison though it soon appeared that I was alike deceived in my thoughts they being neither better nor worse than errand Fiddlers These fellows though such as we in England should not hold worthy of the Whipping-post without leave and without reverence on their parts performed fell to their work abusing our ears with such an harsh Lesson that one of our Schoolboys playing on the Jews-Trump compared to this might have been taken for the Music of the Spheres but as if this had not been punishment enough unto us they must needs add to it one of their Songs but then how did I bless myself in the remembrance of our Ballad-singers when they Chant the Tunes of In Summer time and Chevy-chase Now though I understood not French perfectly yet by that little I had and the simpering of the Filly de Joy I perceived it was Bawdy yea such as could not patiently be endured by any but a Frenchman Frenchman Begar you be de Rogue to speak sush ting of de Frenchman no people in de varle dat do sing like unto dem begar me should by the prate tink dat dis drunk but that me no see stagger English man But Monsieur give me leave to proceed in my Story what to do to be rid of these fellows I knew not for I knew not how to call them Rogues handsomely in French and for other Languages they understood none and to beat them they were Villains of such an inferior quality as indeed was not worthy of mine or any honest man's anger a knot of Rascals so infinitely below the severity of a Statute that they would have discredited the Stocks and to have hanged them as it would have hazarded the reputation of the Gallows so it would have been unprofitable to the Executioner their Clothes being only fit for the Ragwoman it would have puzzled a man in a whole years' time to have studied a Vengeance for them which they would not have injured in the suffering the greatest torment one could inflict on them being not to hearken to their Ribaldry But to proceed after their Song was ended one of them pulled a Dish out of his pocket and set it before us into which we were to cast our Benevolence which by custom you know Monsieur is but but only a sol from every man such a rare Calling it is to be a Fiddler in France Frenchman Begar me be no sush Fidler me be de Mushishaner dat play to the Lords to the Ladies me go brave in de Apparel me kish the Chambermaid me lie wid the Kitchen-Wensh but if me get her wid Shield O Diabolo vat shall become of me den Englishman It is but shifting into another Country you know Fiddlers and Beggars are never out of their Sphere I suppose it is impossible for you to be lousy you shift so often Frenchman Begar me go to Parry the brav● Shitty in de varle dis Shitty is no compare wid Parry no more den de Bushers knife is wid a long Tord Englishman Indeed Monsieur your Comparison is very suitable if by your last word you mean Paris as I suppose you do the only stink of which place being a greater strength unto it and more powerful to keep out an Enemy than the Ditches or Bulwarks round about it well therefore may it be said to be the strongest Town in Christendom if we take the word strong in that sense as when we say such a man hath a strong breath for otherways it is so weak that if the stink of the streets keep him not out there is no assurance to be looked for of the Walls But that which is most admirable is that in such a perpetuated constancy of stinks there is also such an admirable and distinct variety that a Chemical Nose after two or three perambulations would hunt out blindfold each several street by the smells as perfectly as another by his eye in a serene Sky at noon day French man Par ma foy de tell loud lie begar Parry is so brava dat no express it begar be Son of Debastalder to say Parry tinks when it is sweet as de Rose and de brava Houses in de varle Englishman I confess your Houses in Paris are very handsome to the street-ward but for the Furniture within they come very much behind ours the French men most commonly carrying all their wealth on their back so that when they are in their best Clothes they may be said to be in the middle of their Estates when the poorest Trades man in London hath his Plate to drink in and is served up with his Pewter-dishes of several sorts your Artisans of Paris coming so far behind them that they would be glad of meat could they but reach to the price of it although it were in a Wooden Dish Frenchman Begar the Artisan of Parry be de brava fellow the Engliss Taylor be noting de make Breech vit vor de Ploughman 't is not ala mode France De France Taylor trick de Clown up so rara make him zhow like the Gentleman De Engliss Barber Trim make man like the Goat Englishman The French Barber trims so as makes a man look like a Monkey come Monsieur I must help you out with it You French men are indeed excellent fellows for Toys very perfect at Toothpicks Beard-brushes and Gentle women's Fans but in other more substantial Trades how infinitely short do you come of the English Your Cutlers make such abominable and fearful Knives as would grieve a man's heart to see them enough almost to make one loathe the Victuals that should be cut by such misshapen Instruments And your Glover's are worse than your Cutlers for you would imagine by their Gloves that the hand for which they were made were cut off by the wrist And what excellent workmen your Painters are may be seen by the Signs hanging over each door in Paris for a distinguishment as with us at London but so hideously are these made and so little resembling the thing signified that if a Hen did not scrape better Portraitures on a Dunghill I would be bound to eat no other meat but of a French peasant woman's dressing during life which would be a torment next to starving very convenient therefore is it that they have it printed in Capital Letters under every Sign what it is for fear the Spectators should take a Cock for a Bull or a Pig for a Goss-hawk Frenchman Me can no longra endure to hear Parry the brave Shitty in de varle to be so degraste Englishman A brave City indeed and of a strange composition wherein a man cannot live in the Summer for fear of being poisoned with the stink nor in the Winter for the like danger of being mired with the dirt Frenchman Begar if the speak so false of Parry de brava Shitty vat will the den do of the Country Englishman For your Country I must confess indeed the soil thereof is enough plentiful stored with Corn Beasts and Fowls but alas what is that to the poor peasant who only beholdeth it with his eyes seldom or never so much as tasting it with his mouth a Capon or Rabbit being almost as unlawful for these miserable Creatures to eat as it was in the Old Law for any but the Priests to eat Shewbread I believe one of your Country Tailors has but an ordinary Trade with them they thinking themselves happy if in their apparel they can but mount to Canvas for woollen Cloth is beyond the reach of their purse and he that aspires to Fustain will not stick to justle for the best place in the Parish even to that of the Churchwarden For Hats they will be sure to have them though their Bellies pinch for it and that it may appear they have them they always keep them on their heads I suppose they are great Enemies to Hosiers and Shoemakers because they seldom wear any Shoes or Stocking but such as Nature furnishes them withal unless it be on some principal Holiday when they will be sure to go to Church Frenchman Vat dis de speak of de p●isant begar the peasant be the Clown in all Country but the France Gentleman is the brave Gentleman in de varle Englishman What is spoken of your Nation in general that they are won with a Feather and lost with a straw may more particularly be applied to these your de brave Gentil men who at fi●st sight will be as familiar with you as your sleep and follow you as doth your shadow but upon the least distaste for a word speaking they will draw their sword They are brave fellows at a first Onset begin an action like thunder and end it in a smoke at the first encounter more than men in the close thereof less than women They are very Complimental and full of their Court Cringes without which none is accounted a Gentleman At my first coming to Paris one of these Monsieurs add essed himself to me carrying his head as if he had been ridden with a Martingal then did he draw back his legs and thrust out his shoulders in such a ridiculous posture that made my Worship to laugh heartily to see the Ape outdone by the Frenchman Frenchman Begar me can forbear no longra de Rogue the Rascal the Jack-napes compare the Franceman ala moda to the Ape begar fleesh blood speerit na de Saul can no suffer does par ma foy de thrush Tord in the heart bleed if the speak dis Englishman Monsieur not so angry we know the temper of your Countrymen well enough though you will draw the Sword on the least distaste a minute's pause sheaths it again then if a man beats you into better manners you will take it kindly kiss your hand and cry Serviteur I must confess at first when I came to Paris I did much admire the gallantry of your Nation thinking no place in the world comparable to it for Nobility and Gentry until at last one foul mistake rectified my judgement which was this There came to visit a Scotch Lord of my acquaintance a French Gallant who had on him a Suit of Turkey Grogram doubled with Taffeta ●●asht after the French fashion and belayed with Bugle-lace a Shirt of pure Holland appearing through the openings of his Doublet which was likewise wrought with curious Needlework the Points at his Waste and Knees for so the fashion there then was alleged with a Silver-edging his Garters Roses and Hatband suitable to his Points a Beaver Hat and a pair of Silk-stockings his Cloak also of Turkey Grogram cut upon black Taffeta This man by his Habit I guessed to be no less than a Lord for who would have imagined Aesop's Fable to have been a real truth that the Ass was dressed up in the Lion's skin and according to the man that I imagined him to be I gave him the Style of My Lord at every word After some discourse he seeing me to clap a Handkerchief to my cheek and to make a kind of a sour face asked me what I ailed I told him I was very much troubled with the  Alas said he that is a grievous pain but ca●l on me at my Lodging the next morning and I shall presently give you ease I humbly thanked his Lordship for such an immense favour with the greatest obeisance I could devise and the next morning somewhat before the time appointed sent my servant for a Barber to trim me and make me neat because I could not tell what occasion I might have of seeing his Lady or his Daughters This Messenger chanced to happen on his Lordship who was no other than a Barber but when I saw him come in with his Apron before him and pulling a Case of Instruments out of his pocket bless me I thought I should have split myself with laughing had not the consideration of my own folly of being so obeisant to him the night before something restrained me His Lordship though he guessed the cause of my extraordinary mirth yet fell to work about me to the earning of a Quardesou and indeed he was very dexterous in his Art and soon made my Chin ala mode then would he have proceeded to to the pulling out of my Tooth but the pain being now something abated I told his Lordship I would retain it in my head a little longer wherefore pocketing up his Quardesou with a low cringing and less courtesy on my part than before his Lordship departed Frenchman Begar dat vas brave de France Barber cozen the Engliss-man begar me no shuse but laugh till de burss O de France Barbers be the brave fellows in de varle but where den did thee go ven de went from Parry Englishman A Friend and I having a great desire to see the Country we took Post-horse intending for Amiens but might as good have been mounted on a Post as on such Jades as lean they were as Envy is by the Poets feigned to be having neither flesh on their bones nor skin on their flesh nor hair on their skin neither was it so alone that their bones might be numbered through their skin but the Spur-galls had made such Casements in their flesh that an ordinary Farrier might have known what Diseases they were troubled with by surveying their Entrails They were very easy to be mounted and there was no great fear of melting them by over-riding surely Don Quixot's Rozinante was a horse of State to either of these Being thus mounted and galloping a foot pace in twelve hours we had ridden fourteen miles night coming on and a pretty big Town just before us we resolved to lodge there whert enquiring for one of the chief Inns we were directed to the skeleton of a House which in England would scarcely have passed for an Alehouse and yet there it was an Inn ay and an honourable one too Alighting at the door the Host of the house came out unto us at first sight I took him to be one of the three Fiddlers I told you of before a pitiful ragged shabby fellow Frenchman Dat is no honest to the graze French Inns the base Guest that rail on the Host begar the French Inns be more good den de Engliss Inns ver in the French Inns is the brave vine but in the Engliss Inns is no thing but de Beer Englishman But Monsieur notwithstanding your Wine I suppose our ordinary Alehouses are a story higher praise worthy than your Inns as may appear by the description of this and by which you may give a guess at the rest No sooner were we alighted but our Host the ragged fellow I told you of before conducted us to a room somewhat resembling a Charnel-house being full as dark and as dampish on one side whereof was a pretty big hole which formerly had been a Glass-window but the Glass being gone it was for the most part stopped up with Pease straw In this room was the resemblance of three Beds for by their description you will say it was improper to call them Beds the foundation of them was of straw which not having been shifted in many a year it was so infinitely thronged together that the Wooll-packs which our Judge sit on in the Parliament were melted Butter to them Upon this lay a large Bag containing a Medley of Flocks and Feathers but so ill ordered that they stuck out of the sides like to the knobs of a Crabtree Cudgel the Sheets on those Beds were party per pale a mean betwixt white and black and so course that a Mariner would have disdained to have used them for a Sail the Coverlets were alike answerable to the rest of the Bedding here a hole and there a patch and for Curtains and Valances my Landlady had disrobed the Beds of them two years before to make she and the kind natured Gentleman her Husband Clothes of them Frenchman Begar if the make Close of the Curtains a●d de Vaylance den de look like de Jack Pudding English man Having taken a view of the Furniture of this Room seeing every thing so nasty I supposed it was impossible to find any Victuals there and that if our horses were the Pictures of Envy this place was the Receptacle of Famine But see how I was mistaken in my thoughts for my Hoastess whose head was wrapped about with a dirty Dishclout had for our Suppers cut the throat of a Pullet and tearing it in pieces with her hands she after that took away Feathers and Skin together stripping it as we strip Rabbits in England then clapping it into a Pan it was soon fried and set upon the Table the Nappery belonging to which was suitable to the Bedding as foul and as dirty my Landlady being so provident a Creature she would not have it worn out with often washing The Napkins were fit companions for the Clothes which would rather foul ones fingers with whipping on them than make them clean Frenchman Begar she were the Sluit dat no w●sh Linen till de tink par ma foy de Shade va●●d been hanged bega● me could rail on her out of all the cry Englishman Nay Monsieur you may as well rail on the rest as on this for though some few of your Inns be not altogether so wretched yet is the alteration almost insensible Frenchman Begar the lie dear be brave Inns in France in Paris in Roven etc. one twa tre stories high where the Host go like de Gentleman and the Hoastess like the Madam English man I speak not of your Inns in Paris nor some other great Cities but of those in the Country which are generally such as this and therefore Monsieur give me leave to go on in my Story The Meat being on the Board we fell unto it hunger making us the better able to digest the Nastiness of the Cookery After Supper desirous to go to Bed to refresh our Bodies weary with riding on those tired Jades we called for a Chamberlain but you might a good have spoken Greek to them none of them understanding what a Chamberlain was at last came a fellow with some patches hanging on him but for the most part open to the skin who having pulled off our Boats presently had recourse to the Coverlet to wipe them and having rubbed one side a little left the other part to be finished by us if we would have it it was enough for him that he had written the Copy Thus forced to make a Law of Necessity we lay till morning not making extraordinary haste out lest perchance we might have lost the sight of my Hoastess and her daughters they were not very hard to be known for at the first blush a stranger might swear that they were of a blood and indeed it had been great pity had it been otherwise Not to honour them with a further Character let it suffice to know that their persons kept so excellent a decorum with the house and furniture that it was great pity they should be parted Frenchman Begar me no vill stay if the speak so Oh Mordien we shall shitt myself to hear do part and den vill they say dear is the shitten Frenchman Englishman Well then Monsieur to take my leave of this Inn being about to depart we had such a throng about us of those ill-favoured faces and every one chiming out this Ditty Pour les Servant that one might with greater ease have distributed a Dole at a rich man's Funeral than to give them a penny their importunity be you never so hasty will forestall your Bounty yet their ambition is not so high after all this impudent begging they expect but a sol and he that gives them more out-bids their expectation and shall be counted a Spendthrift Frenchman Begar me vill stay no longra de be sush time taking leave of the Inn that the might in dat time have rid fife sex sefen mile Englishman Well then to proceed Being mounted and riding very softly according to the Genius of our horses at the end of the Town we came to a great Green and it being then a petty Holiday there was assembled on the Green a Miscellany or Gallimaufry of all ages and conditions on purpose to dance Frenchman Begar me much speak now O de dance de skip de fidele par ma foy de brava ting in all de varle Englishman It seems your Nation does naturally affect it not only the poor Peasants but also the Gallant Monsieurs and Damoseils for here were assembled both Youth and Gentry Age and Poverty the Rags interwoven with the Silks and wrinkled Brows interchangeably mingled with fresh Beauties Those whom age had forced to walk with a staff in the street here taught their feet to measure out the paces of a Dance and others that had been long troubled with the Sciatica though they could not trip it so nimbly yet would enfo●●● their feet to hobble Some of them were so ragged you would have thought that a swift Galliard would almost have shaked them into nakedness and yet would they venture the losing of their Clothes for the gaining of a Dance Nay those whom either Age or other Infirmity had not permitted to go yet would be carried thither in their Chairs to behold the Pastimes and tread the measures with their Eyes to persuade them to stay at home when they heard the Fiddle was to seek to empty the Sea with a spoon or to persuade a Lutners' Love-Lady to become a Nun. A work so great Would make Olympus bearing Atlas' sweat French man O de brave exercise in de varle begar no thing is wid it the compare O de brave shit to hear de Fidele to see dem dance to leap to skip O that me were amongst dem Englishman That which to you is so pleasing soon wearied us wherefore we took our leaves of them and proceeded on in our Journey and about Noon came to another Town somewhat bigger than a Village and comparable to the worse sort of Market-Towns in England distant from the place where we lay before about five miles for we rid very hard and spared not for Horseflesh here we resolved to bait both ourselves and our horses and to that purpose singled out an Inn where we expected to find best accommodations and indeed we thought we had found a great purchase for there it was our fortune to meet with a Rabbit larded it was as all meat is in that Country otherwise it is so lean it would be burnt up ere it could be roasted it was served up with the feet on and the reason of the custom thereof in that Country is I conceive that being a frugal Nation they would make them go the further The sight of this Dish gave us great content but when we came to eat thereof it proved so tough that I verily think it was no more than two removes from that Rabbit which was in the Ark but though it proved so bad in the eating the price thereof was good enough no less than Half a Crown English My Companion thought it to be very dear but I adjudged otherwise for certainly the Grass which fed it was worth more than eight times the money Frenchman Begar some men do think meat is no good if that it be no dear par may foy vould me had it present me could eat it vor me is very angry Englishman Nay Monsieur if you be so angry that you grow quarrelsome I shall beat you into better manners Frenchman Begar me no say quarrelsome me be angry that is me could veede on the Rappit Englishman O cry you mercy Sir now I understand ye I suppose you are better to feed than to fight but alas Rabbits are too dainty meat for French Peasants for in that rank I must place ye though now you have got on a borrowed Garb of English Feathers but when you come amongst your fellows you must then be glad to do as they do your Bread of the coursest flour and so black that it cannot admit of the name of brown and for drink have recourse to the next Fountain content only with so much as is sufficient to keep you from the extremities of Cold and Famine Frenchman Begar be de Rogue to call me Peasant me be de Gentleman Mushishaner me be de Compaigne vor de Lord vor de Madam me fidele vor de Gentleman and at de Weddin Englishman Now you put me in mind of a Wedding I must tell y● of one that I saw once at Orleans where at my going into the Town I met with Mistress Bride coming from the Church The day before she had been somewhat of the condition of such as scour Dripping-pans in Great men's houses and went accoutred as those women that in London cry Kitchingstuff about the streets of the City but now there was a strange metamorphosis in her you would not believe she was the same woman she was so tricked up with scarves Rings Cross-garters Knots of Ribbons etc. that she was a la mode France Now could the fellow have married only her Clothes I should have very much applauded his fortune but it could not be so God be merciful to him he was also chained to the Wench much good may it do him with her and much joy may they have together most peerless Couple Sing Hymen Hym●n O Hymenae● O Hymen Hymen Hymenaee I would have a French man marry none but a French woman for a fitter Match cannot be Frenchman Vat is dat de say begar France weemen be the brave weemen in de varle Englishman Now Monsieur I shall speak something of what I observed of the women in your Country and to begin with the Peasants as being most in number They are a sort of people which cannot say the least claim to any share of beauty so that she which with us is reckoned amongst the vulgar would be amongst them esteemed for a Princess quite contrary to the women in England where you have many thatched Cottages that harbour such Beauties as would tempt Jupiter from his Throne to court them in a golden Shower Answerable to their Beauty is their Attire their head being wrapped about with an old Dish clout turned out of service or the corner of a Tablecloth reserved from washing the goodness of their faces tells us that that is sufficient for why should the backpart of their head be handsomer than the forepart They have no need of Masks and the Bacon-rined colour of their faces tells us that they were strangers to Bon graces when they were children As concerning Petticoats they have all of them such a kind of Garment but most of them so short you would think them cut off at the Placket Now when the Parents have worn them till such time as the rottenness of them will save a labour of undressing they are a new cut out and fitted for the children by which time they have done with them they speed to the dunghill being scorned to be taken up by the Ragwoman For shoes and stockings they take no great care for few of them ever had above one pair in all their lives and which they wear every day being very durable In this degree hath Nature placed them and the greatest happiness that they do enjoy is that they are contented with the same Frenchman But vat is does of de Peasant to de France Gentil woman Englishman Well next I will speak something of the middle sort of women or such as live in Cities and great Towns for I shall forbear to mention the Court as being above my sphere of these sort of women there is much difference from the Peasants but in what surely nothing but in attire otherwise Nature hath not been over prodigal to them for beauty so that Don Quixot did not so deservedly assume to himself the title of The Knight of the ill favoured face as they may that of the Damosels of it The most comely and best proportioned part about them is their hands long white and slender but scarce shall you see one of a hundred whose wrists and betwixt their fingers is no● all overrun with a scab like to a leprosy Their dispositions hold good correspondency with their faces and suit as well as a Toast and Nutmeg doth with a pot of Ale in the depth of Winter all which you will swear to be truth when you once come but to hear them speak no better Character being to be gathered of them then from their prating which is so tedious and infinite that you shall sooner want ears than they Tongues set but their Tongues once a going and they are like to a Watch you need not wind them up above once in twelve hours for so long will the Thread of their discourse be in spinning such everlasting Talkers are they all that they will sooner want breath then words there being no ways to silent them but only to go out of their Companies But were this only to some of their Familiars it were the more tolerable but stranger or acquaintance all is one though indeed no man is to them a stranger for in two hours' time you shall have them as familiar and as merry with you as if you had been of their acquaintance seven years or bred up in a house together ever since you were born Now though I cannot condemn any of them of dishonesty as having had no such experience of them yet to an Englishman such sudden affability argues somewhat of a confident boldness to say no worse I remember the first time I came to London being but a young Novice scarcely writing Man passing through Luteners-lane a Gentlewoman standing at the door accosted me with these words How do you Sir I am heartily glad to see you well how have you done a long time Seeing so beautiful a Lady with black patches on her face and dressed Alamode de France thus to salute me I could not choose but admire Madam said I do you know me alack Sir said she pray come in and let us discourse together but notwithstanding her bold invitation away I went and coming to my Lodging relating the story Sir said one to me you must have a care of such Creatures for notwithstanding their brave Garb they are no other than common Strumpets This sudden familiarity of the French-women made me to remember this story for Frenchman Begar be de Rogue the challenge de field compare the French Madam to the Lutener-lane pockyhora begar me no shuse but fight up to the nose in blood begar me can no dure dis Englishman You fight you should think you with high words to daunt me do not I know the Nature of your Country men better than so how in one thing they very much resemble the De meekness or submission maketh them insolent but a little resistance putteth them to their heels or makes him your Spaniel Frenchman Begar me tink no hurt though the speak so Tres humble Serviture Mounsieur Englishman Then to proceed in my story concerning the French women They are abundantly full of laughter and toying and have always in store some lascivious songs which they refuse not to sing in any company so that a stranger would think modesty were quite banished the Kingdom or rather that it had never been there and whereas women in other Countries are most ashamed to discourse of those parts which makes them women These French Dames will talk of them even before men as broadly as a Midwife or a Barber-Surgeon So that if that saying be true that Modesty is the best apparel of a woman I doubt many of the Female sex in France must go thinly clad and a great many of them quite naked Frenchman Begar dear be but some dut be so bad as the peak of Englishman Truly I saw but little difference amongst them it is an Epidemical disease both Maids and Wives Madams and Damosels Rich and Poor alike sick of it if there were any difference it was only in this that those who were highest in their places and callings were likewise highest in this lightsome vein of ribaldry Frenchman De speak of the Common hora but the Fransh gentlewoman be no sush Englishman God forbid I should condemn every one of them though they generally be so but for them you call Common whores I must rank them in a degree by themselves It was my fortune once to be in the company of two of these Filly de joys but never since I first knew mankind and the world did I observe so much impudence in the general as I did in these two so audaciously bawdy in their discourse that even any immodest ear would have abhorred their language and of such a shameless deportment that their very behaviour would have frighted lust out of the most incontinent man living but a Frenchman In a word they were Wenches able to have shamed all the Friars with whom they had trafficked for they would not be cast-a and could not be cauta and so I leave them for methinks my discourse of them is unsavoury but he that rakes in filthy puddles must be sure to meet with nasty stinks Frenchman Begar de hora be over all de varle dear be the create many in de London me go in de Turnbull street me go in de Neetingale lane me go in de Rosemary lane me go in de Ra-ra-ratcleefe high way me go to Damaris Page me sure do find pockyhora me veele it in my bones Englishman Ha Mounsieur have you got a Clap with a French-Fiddle Frenchman Begar me no deny it me pay Shurgeon one twa tree pound var de cure Englishman I commend you Mounsieur for your ingenuous acknowledgement but I having spoken so much of the French-woman I think it convenient to say something of the men for pity it is they should be parted Frenchman Begar me will listen to dat me love to hear of de France Gentleman Englishman As I said of the women you might character them out by their discourse so may I say of the men you may look into their breasts by their talk which most commonly runneth upon two wheels treason and ribaldry Never in my life did I hear people talk less reverently of their Prince and as our Nation have been always addicted too much to your Apish fashions so in our late times when Rebellion was rampant had they got too much of your unworthy custom of speaking irreverently of their King but I hope that custom is out of use with us now I wish it were so in France where scarce a day passeth without some seditious Pamphlet printed and published in disgrace of the King or some of his Courtiers the Contents of which Libels they will not spare to speak of in each place where they come take them from this which you can hardly do till they have told all and then they fall upon their ribaldry relating stories of their own uncleanness with a face as confident as if they had no accidents to please their Hearers more commendable Never did valiant Captain more glory in the number of the Cities he had taken than they will do of the several women which they have prostituted Frenchman Par ma foy me no dislike that me love to hear talk Bawdy the little me be no shamed of dat begar it does teekle my ling● to hear dit Englishman Nay I know that you are not only good to talk bawdy but to act bawdily and to boast of it too as many of your Countrymen have done who having been at London upon their return report strange Chimeras of the English modesty as what Merchants wives they enjoyed here and in what familiarity such and such a Lady entertained them at Westminster when the poor fools have been cozened with common Prostitutes and to this purpose I shall relate you a pretty story A French Mounsieur coming over full pursed to London being hot in the Codpiece as many of them are desired a Cooler but his ambition soared so high that common beauties such as those of France would not serve his turn but he must have a rare one no less than a Phoenix and falling in acquaintance with a French Pander for a sum of money he promised him the enjoyment of a Lady who was much famoused for her beauty the Mounsieur gladly hearkens thereto pays his money and thinks every hour ten till the prefixed hour come In the mean space the Pander goes to a common Prostitute instructs her in the business they share the money and she takes upon her to imitate the Lady a Coach is hired for a Cart m●ght have been in danger of shaking her in pieces the Pander and she goes together who conducts her to the Mounsieur the French Gentleman courts her alamede swears he is her servant and she with a seeming unwillingness at last condescends to his request but whilst he is busy in his employment she picks his pocket of his Watch and threescore pieces of gold which as soon as she rises from the Bed is straight conveyed to the Pander who all this while guarded the door Upon the receipt of the prize he is gone but before the pretty Mob could make an escape Mounsieur misses his Watch and his money he storms and chafes like a madman mistrusts his Mob but wonders a Lady of her quality as he took her to be would do such a thing Necessity has no Law she endeavours an escape gets into the street but Mounsieur overtakes her there and lays flat felony to her Ladyship presently an huburb is made the Constable comes and carries them both before a Justice the Frenchman challenges her Ladyship with his money and she challenges him with a Rape the Mob is searched but no money found Mounsieur is asked again if he would swear positively she picked his pocket he considers of it and then says he was mistake but she being known to be a prime Trader in Fleet-yard was sent to Bri●ewell and Mounsieur dismissed to go to borrow money to go to the Surgeon of whom now he had great need Frenchman Begar me was serve sush a trick one me go into de Lutener-lane de-brave gentlewoman at the door call me in me kiss her and me do something else but when me was gone me vent to the Ordinary to eat Veetle ven me come to pay all me money vas gone Englishman And how come you off with the Cook Frenchman Begar the Cook call me French Rogue tell me de beat-me me vas pray him to bè quiet and me vild leave de tord for his reckoning Englishman That was a right French trick to eat up the Cook's meat and leave him a a tord for his reckoning Frenchman Me do no mean de tord in the belly me mean de tord dat hang by de side Englishman Nay Mounsieur it is pity you should ever speak any thing but French your Language being very agreeable to your Natures which to be spoken with a grace the head body shoulders must all concern in the pronouncing of it and the many Proverbs wherewith it is furnished makes it very significant to your Nation's humour of scoffing Indeed it is very full of Courtship which makes all your people so Complimental The poorest Cobbler in the Village having his Court-cringes and his Eau beneste de Cour his Court holy-water as perfectly as the best Lord of them all Frenchman And vy shoole henot begar Franceman be the all Gentleman Englishman And that makes you in your ordinary discourse to bestow the highghest of titles upon those of the lowest condition and by this reason the Beggar begetteth Mounsieurs and Madams to his sons and daughters as familiarly as the King Frenchman Begar di● true or me be de hang. Englishman But on what Gibbit Mounsieur would you desire to be hanged on for I observed in your Country there were several sorts of them every Haute Justice having his peculiar Gibbit which were made wonderful methodically by the criticism of which you may judge of the quality of him that owneth it for the Gibbit of one of the Nobles hath but two pillars that of the Chastellan three the Barons four the Earls fix and the Duke's eight so exact is your Nation that they observe a Mode even in their Gallows Frenchman But begar me no love hanging me shuse to die in de straw den be hang on de vine Gallows in all de France Begar den me must eat no more quood Mutt quood Beef quood Lamb etc. Englishman Now you speak of Beef Mutton and Lamb give me leave to tell ye some observations I made of your Cookery and how your gentlemen's tables furnished which though they come not nigh ours yet are they beyond comparison above the Paisants Their Beef they cut out into little chaps so small that what goes there for a laudable dish would be thought here to be a University Commons now served from the hatch A loin of Mutton serve amongst them for three roasting besides the hazard of making pottage with the Rump They have likewise store of Fowl but such as the King found in Scotland viz. foul napkins foul table  etc. but to speak truth that which they have is sufficient for Nature and a friend were it not for the strange mysteries of the Kitching-wench Their Cooks are much famed for rare fellows but their skill consists not in the handling of Beef Mutton and such like solid meats but in the making of puff-pastes kickshaws and such fine devices only to fill the  but not the belly and so by consequence would make rare fellows in a Garrison to cozen the belly and feed the eye Now if you can digest the sluttishness of the Cookery of which is most abominable at the first fight sit down and welcome where you must say your own Grace private Graces being there as ordinary as private Masses and from whence perhaps they learned them Grace ended fall to where you like best for they observe no order nor method in their eating and if you expect a to have Carver you may rise a hungry thus are their Tables furnished and think themselves served in as great state as King Nebuchadnezars' Frenchman Vat is that you say No be got no sir English man I said Nebuchadnezar the name is something hard Frenchman Begar so it is No no no no be got no sir Eng. ne Fr. ne Eng. but Fr. but Eng. chad Fr. chad Eng. ne Fr. ne Eng. zar Fr. zar now me have it Ne-bu-chad-ne-zar begar me vil carry dis name into me Country var to cure the Toothache Englishman And why may not that name cure the toothache as well as many cures which are ascribed to be done by Relics of which Relics I saw divers of them at St Denis a small town with a great wall showing like all the world like a Spaniards little face in his great ●uffe or like a small chop of Mutton in a large dish of Pottage at the th●ee Penny Ordinary at this Town in the Church of ●● D●nis is sa●d to be kept one of the naile● Town in the Church of St. Dennis is said to be kept one of the Nails which fastened our Saviour to the Cross as also a piece of the Cross itself though so many parts thereof are shown at several places that were they all put together would have broken the back of Simon of Cyrene to have carried it Here is also some of the Virgin Maries milk the Arm of St. Simeon set in a Case of Gold the Relics of St. Lewis and the Head of St. Dennis with a part of his Body of this St. Dennis being the Patron of France I shall tell you a Story more than ever you read in the History of the Seven Champions of Christendom and perhaps as true which is this He being to suffer death under the Reign of Domitian the Emperor for not bowing before the Altar of Mercury when the Executioner had smitten off his head he caught it in his arms and ran with it down the Hill as fast as his legs would carry him having run thus half a mile he sat down and rested and so he did nine times in all you must conceive he was very heavy loaden to carry his head in his arms but having ran three miles he ran himself quite out of breath for than he fell down and died over which place was built this Church consecrated to his Memory wherein the aforesaid Relics are kept Frenchman Begar Sen Dennis was the brave fellow when he live he cut he slase he slay he fight like the spirit he vas love Wench named Rossalen she make him Cuckoll he wear the horns on his head sefen year den came Zhorge on de Hoars-back and wid his Tord cut dem off at one blow Englishman Was not St. George of England than a brave man to do so worthy an Act Frenchman Begar he was the brave Shampion in all de varle but the France man he kill de burn Dragon but the Signior Amadis de Gaul be kill de Shyant one twa tre four story high begar den he was brave fellow let me see den dear was Monsieur le Charlemaigne de Roy Pepin Monsieur Oliver Monsieur Rowland begar de France man be the create killer of the Shyants in all de varle Englishman Indeed no Nation in the wo●ld is greater killers of Giants and multitudes of people than the French but how why in Romances wherein there is little danger in fight but for real feats of Arms alas how far short do they fall in the performance How often have they been beaten by the English with the greatest disadvantage almost that might be witness Poicters Crescy and Agincourt Battles wherein their Armies exceeded ours almost ten to one nay have we not taken their Kingdom from them the English King Crowned King of France in France where was their Valour then Why they were forced to have recourse to a Witch one Joan of Arc when France lay as it were expiring out her latest breath How were they forced to pretend a Message to her from God to breathe new courage into the hearts of their fanting Soldiers and yet when they had wrought all these Forgeries it was not so much their Courage as our own Divisions that caused the English expulsion out of France Frenchman Begar though me ha skill to Fidele me ha' no skill in the History me can no tell if the speak true but me much tink dis me much give loser leave to speak Englishman Nay Monsieur if you are up with your Proverbs I must also give you one which though but a homely one yet sets out the three Nations French English and the Spaniards to the life The French man is compared to a Flea quickly skipping into a Country and as quickly skipping out their Valour being like a blaze of fire makes of a sudden a great show but is quickly extinguished The English are like a Louse slowly mastering a place and as slowly driven out again The Spaniard like to a Crab fishy hardly gaining any thing but where he enters seldom or neve● again removed Frenchman Begar me leake does Proverb well enough of the men vat is the Pr●●verb of the weemen Englishman They say that to the making up of an absolute Woman the●● is required the parts of a Dutch woman from the Girdle downwards the parts of a French woman from the Girdle up to the Neck over which must be placed an English Face for the greater perfection of all the rest for if you come to compare the French Beauries with the English alas they are not to be named the same day with them their Faces being as bad a punishment to the Eyes as their Discourse is a torment to the Ears And herein may the English glory that they have the fairest Women the goodliest Horses and the best breed of Dogs in all the whole world To which we may add that as England is said to be A Paradise for women by reason of their Privileges so it may be said to be A Paradise of women by reason o● their unmarchable Perfections Frenchman Begar de France woman be the handsome woman for all dat Englishman For your French women as their shoulders and backs are so broad that they hold no proportion with their middles so are they of a very black hair and swarthy complexion and though the Poets do commend Leda for he● black hair as in that Verse of Ovid's Leda fuit nigris conspicienda comis yet that blackness reached only to a kind of dark brown not so fearful as this of the French women who are generally blacker th●n a gracious loveliness can admit And though black hair do give a lustre to a beautiful Face as a shadow doth to a Picture or a Sable bearing to a Field a●gent yet what are the French women's Faces concerned in that which are so far from that thing called Beauty that when they are adorned with black Patches they look like rusty Gammons of Bacon stuck with Cloves French man Me can no shuse but confess me had rader eat of the Gammon of Baoon dan kiss de handsome woman in all de v●rle Englishman Now you talk of kissing I cannot but much admire that humour of the French women who though as I said before they are so light and wanton in their discourse and gestures yet are so coy of their Lips that they will not admit of a kiss accounting that woman that is kissed more than half whored be her deportment other ways never so civil Now though I must confess I like this their custom very well it sparing me many an unsavoury piece of mannerliness when I was amongst them yet it was to me a kind of a strange Riddle that they should confine all immodesty and lasciviousness to a harmless kiss But as it is said of the Italian That he will rather murder a man in private than speak ill of him openly so it may be thought of these Damosels that they will not refuse a man's bed in private although they deny to kiss him openly Frenchman Begar the tell lie de France Madam be the Civil Madam that lives in the whole varle Englishman Yes Monsieur I shall tell you of a piece of Civility of one of your Madams as I was informed by an Acquaintance of mine who was an Eye-witness to it That being at a Tilting a Roguish Boy was peeking under a Lady's Coats a Courtier seeing it went about to remove him from that saucy action but when her Ladyship perceived his intention she hindered him with this Compliment Laisse Monsieur laisse les yeux ne sont pas larrons The boys eyes would steal nothing away Certainly those who are so w●nton in their discourse and actions abroad will not stick out of play when Night and the Curtains may conceal it Frenchman Par ma foy vis is no sush ting de French be a no so bad they make more conscience den so Englishman I will not deny but there may be some of them very conscientious but generally they are most irreverent and irreligious great Scoffers yea in matters of Religion and at those times when they should be most solid witness that Gallant who lying on his Deathbed when he had the Host so they call the Sacrament of the Lords Supper brought to him by a Lubberly Priest he said That Christ came to him as he went into Jerusalem riding upon an Ass Another of them being to receive the Sacrament when the Priest had with many words persuaded him that the Bread and Wine was the real Body and Blood of Christ he refused to taste of it because it was then Friday And I was informed by a Gentleman that at a Mass in the Cordeliers Church in Paris he saw two French Papists when the most sacred Mystery of their Faith was celebrating break out into such a blasphemous and atheistical laughter that even an Ethnic would have blushed to have heard it Can we then think these men to be religious who make a scoff at the Divine Mysteries of our Salvation Certainly had a Lutheran done this some French hot-head or other would have sent them laughing to Pluto Frenchman Dat is none good to do so me had rather go to dine den to die to feed den to fight dear is no sush haste to go to de Teiffel he vill have dem soon enough me warrant ye Me vill be glad to live so long as the old woman of Parry Englishman I remember dat old woman very well who was of such an age that it is questionable whether she were ever young or no for but that I have read the Scriptures otherwise I should have been apt to have believed that she was one of the first Pieces of the Creation and that by some mischance or other she had scaped the Flood Our Countryman Tom. Parr the Salopian Wonder was but an Infant to her at the least you could not but have imagined her one of the Relics of the first Age after the building of Babel several Ages before the birth of the Wand'ring Jew her face was for all the world like unto that of Sibylla Erythrea in an old Print or like that of Solomon's two Harlots in the Painted Cloth or like those Statuas on the outside of Westminster Abbey which for these six hundred years have been exposed to wind and weather It is doubtful whether our Arch Poet Ed. Spenser when he writ his Poem of The Ruins of Time did not purposely intent it of her sure I am it is very appliable in the Title Now by reason that all her Teeth were out her Tongue was boundless and without ceasing would move for six and twenty hours' togethet the fastidious prattler which Horace mentioneth in his Ninth satire was but a Poisne to her Now whether she be living still or no I know not but if she once come to be speechless I suppose she is then past all recovery Frenchman Begar she was create prattler indeed and so me tink we be derefore me now make haste warrant my belly the chime Noon and me much make haste vor fe●r of de pocky Shargeant Englishman Well Monsieur only one word before you go and then farewell There is an old Proverb that the Emperor of Germany is Rex Regom the King of Spain is Rex Hominem the King of France Rex Asinorum and the King of England Rex Diabalorum The Emperor of Germany is called Rex Regem in respect of having so many free Princes under him who have power of themselves to Coin Money raise Soldiers and other Immunities consenant to Regal Authority The King of Spain Rex Hominem for that his Subjects are so constant and faithful in their Allegiance not questioning what the Prince does but obeying because he so commands it The King of France is called Rex Asinorum because of the Subjects patient bearing of those insupportable Taxes which he sucks out of their sweat and blood Pride in matters of Sumptuousness and the Civil Wars which lasted a long time in that Country having occasioned most of the Crown Lands to have been sold or mortgaged so that the Subject is now only the Revenue of the Crown The King's hand lying so heavy upon them that it hath almost thrust them into an Egyptian bondage To recite all those Impositions which this miserable people are afflicted withal were almost as wretched as the payment of them I shall briefly instance in some few and first Gabelle de Sel or Gabel on Salt which is an Imposition that no man in the Kingdom some few Countries excepted can eat any Salt but he must buy it of the King and at his price but this is not all for though through poverty many of them could be contented to eat meat when they can get it without Salt yet are they forced to take such a quantity of it or howsoever they will have of them so much money This Imposition is exacted with such unconscionable rigour that it is thought to be worth unto the King 3000000 of Crowns yearly Next is the Taillon a heavy burden which lies almost altogether upon the poor Peasant who are a people of any other the most unfortunate paying such infinite Rents to their Lords and such innumerable Taxes to the King that all their care and extreme labour is only sufficient to pay their Duties and keep them from the extremities of cold and famine This Imposition was at first levied by way of Extraordinary Subsidy and lay alike heavy upon all but now it is confined only to the Peasant the greater Towns the Officers of the King's House the Officers of War the Precedent Councillors and Officers of the Courts of Parliament the Nobility the Clergy and the Scholars of the University being freed from it Divers Imposts have they besides as the sol upon the Liure which is the twentieth penny of all things bought or sold only Corn and Salads excepted Imposts upon Wine double and treble and after all this the poor Vintner forced to pay the 8th penny of that Wine which he selleth to the King Then is there besides Imposts on all sorts of Fruits Provisions Wares and Merchandise to which we may add the base and corrupt money in it being for the most part made of Tin and Brass Hardly shall you see a Piece of Gold of the French stamp scarce any but what comes out of Spain which are very ill proportioned and which one resembles to a French Cheese being neither long nor square nor round nor thick nor thin nor great nor little nor any one of these but yet all and yet none of them These Circumstances considered we may the clearer see our own felicities which to express in a word is to say only this That the English Subject is in no circumstance a French man though we are so blind as herein not to see our own happiness but by our often Rebellions have given occasion to that Apellation that the King of England is Rex Diabalorum FINIS